STAW Vol. 1 pt. 2

I don’t want to be summoned into another world. No, really. I don’t. 

“Do you people have anything with caffeine?” I ask.

“What’s caffeine?” Lilith answers, and her answer is just as dreadful as I feared it would be.

“Do you have anything that you eat or drink to get more energy?”

“Like potions, Milord? We have potions! There are potions to make you stronger, or to heal you, or to turn your arms into tentacles!”

“I have no need for tentacle arms. Alright, if you get tired, do you have anything to make you less tired?”

“Devils don’t really get tired, Milord. We have no need for sleep in the first place. Lesser devils and demons may require sleep, but proud high devils such as myself never get tired!”

“That doesn’t answer my question. I do not care about whether you personally get tired or not. What I care about is if there is something to assist with being tired.”

“Oh! I know what you’re talking about, Milord! We have beds that you can sleep on to restore your energy if you get tired!”

I almost break my nose with how hard I slam my palm into my face. My hair is going to turn grey and fall out at this rate. I may be in my forties, but I am not ready to lose my hair yet.

“Alright. So this world – or rather, devils and demons have no concept of caffeine nor consuming something to wake oneself up,” I say, mainly to myself. Here is to hoping that nobody here is like my former boss who always chirped on and on about how caffeine is unhealthy for you and unneeded as long as you have a healthy sleeping schedule. Yes, Bob, let us all just go to bed at seven PM instead of ever doing anything outside of work.

 “What about dates?” I ask her.

“Da-dates? I – I’ve never been on one…” Lilith answers with an answer that is not only cliché but incredibly pathetic when I think about how she’s supposedly nearly two hundred years old and has never been on a date.

“No, Lilith. Dates as in calendar dates. Does this world have a calendar?”

“A-ah… yes, we have calendars, Milord!”

“And the months are called?”

“January, February, March—”

“Good, so this is one of those cliché settings where nobody could be assed to come up with an original dating system. It is bad because it means your world is every bit as horrible as I expected it to be, but it is good because transitioning to it will be easier for me. The less work I have to do, the better.”

“I – I did not know you were that kind of man, Milord.”

“Hrm?”

“You wish to do less work, I mean – n-not that there is a problem with that!”

“Do not get me wrong, Lilith. I fully intend on outworking any candidate that you have ever seen before. Many of you will likely think the amount of work I can do in a quiet, private office is impossible. That is why every minuscule amount of work that I do not have to do is a pleasant relief. You will be worked very hard as well.”

“Mi-Milord! I did not know you were such a man…”

I look at her face and see her blushing with each of her hands held against her burning cheeks. I could correct her, but I would rather let her learn what I mean the surprising way.

Might make for a few seconds worth of entertainment.

“What about days? Monday to Sunday?” I ask.

“Sunday to Saturday,” she answers.

“It is Monday to Sunday from now on. Sunday is part of the weekend, so to start a week off with the ‘end’ is utterly idiotic. Understand?”

“Yes, Milord! Su—Monday to Sunday!”

“Good. Now, language. I am assuming that everybody speaks something such as ‘Common’ and that it is indistinguishable from English?”

“I – I do not know what English is, Milord, but everybody does speak Common. Writing is another challenge…”

“Of course it is. Settings always go and have everybody speak flawless English – excuse me, Common, but then make it so that nobody can write nor read in addition to the written language somehow looking like an alien infant’s drawings despite it phonetically being indistinguishable from English.”

“I – I see, Milord. You sound very smart!”

“No, my intelligence is on par with any average person that you could pull off the street. It’s just that everybody else is stupid.”

“Am I—”

“Yes.”

I look at her through the corner of my vision and see her hanging her head and pouting.

With a sigh, I say, “But you will be average by the time I am done with you.”

“Milord!” she happily cries out.

My palm against her forehead prevents her from clinging onto me again. “What did I tell you about hugging? I do not like being touched in general, so the less you even think about touching me, the better.”

“Uuu… a-alright, sorry, Milord.”

“Apology accepted on the grounds that it does not happen again.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means hurry up and get me out of this cave.”

At the cave’s entrance is a set of stone stairs leading upward into what appears to be a lit room.

“Milord, umm, y-you see… I have a confession to make,” Lilith says, stopping in front of me.

“What is it?” I ask her.

“I… maybe wasn’t supposed to summon you, and my brother up there is probably going to be really angry because he’s technically the head of our clan and is the one who’s supposed to choose and summon a candidate…”

“In other words, you are a rogue agent right now and are working behind your tribe and family.”

She looks away and nods.

“Why?” I ask.

“E-eh? Why what?”

“Why are you doing any of this? You are to be completely honest with me right now. If I have even the slightest reason to believe that you are lying or leaving something important out, I will not hesitate to join your brother’s side.”

She looks betrayed by my words, but she nods and starts talking.

I like that hint of anger in her eyes. It shows that there is more to her than just being some submissive little sex thing with no brains nor confidence. Turning those embers into an inferno will be useful.

“I… know that I’m not the smartest devil, a-and I know that I might not really be good at anything, but… I still want to be useful. Even my parents always treated me like I wasn’t good for anything, and before they were killed, I know they planned on just marrying me to some other tribe just like what my brother is trying to do now. So… I thought that maybe if I could summon a candidate, then maybe – maybe… maybe you could protect me and,” she just looks sad rather than embarrassed, “care about me, and I could prove that I’m finally good for something.”

“I see. Good, we got the dramatic backstory out of the way with. Now, let us see your brother,” I say as I start ascending the stairs.

“Wa-wait! You’re not – do you believe me? Are you going to join him? Milord, Milord?”

I don’t answer her because I’m really not in the mood to say some generic, cheesy heroic thing where I let her know that I’m still on her side. Besides, it will build up the dramatic tension for her.

Or give her a heart attack from the stress of not knowing whose side I am going to take.

Well, if she cannot handle stress as simple as this, then she would never be able to succeed as my assistant.

The moment I step into the room, I am faced with seven short, goblin-esque creatures with red skin, horns sticking from their forehead, and noses as long and bumpy as a cliché old witch’s.

Oh, and they’re all pointing rather primitive looking spears at me.

“Yes?” I ask them.

They look surprised. Perhaps they did not expect somebody who looks like an average human to not be scared by red midgets?

“Wa-wait, Milord! Don’t hurt them!” Lilith shouts, stepping out in front of me. “They’re my guards! I told them to stay here!” she hastily explains.

“Why would I hurt them?” I ask.

“W-well… they’re in your way right now, a-and usually…”

“I am not going to hurt somebody for the sole reason of being in my way. The proper thing to do in such a case is to ask them to move or see what business they have with you, not just kill them or shove them aside,” I explain to her. Both she and the goblins all look confused.

In addition to her having never been on a date in nearly two hundred years, her “guards” are seven undisciplined-looking goblins, one of which is pulling out what appears to be brain matter through its nose to smear on its spear.

“You truly are this tribe’s black sheep, aren’t you?”

“I – I am not a sheep! I am a high devil and a member of the Crimson Horn tribe! I would at least be a crimson sheep, Milord!” Lilith tries defending herself, but it just makes me pity her even more.

God, I feel like one of those characters in a zero to hero story. I actually regret not choosing any overpowered power or item to bring now. I foolishly assumed that I was being summoned by somebody who actually matters, not somebody with nothing. Now, here I am, with a next-to-useless assistant and not a single advantage to my name. I should have asked her some fine print questions before making my choice.

The only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that I still have my hair. It survived my youth, it survived my ex-wife, it survived my past superiors, and it survived a hurricane.

I run my hands through my hair to push my bangs off of my forehead.

My biggest regret now is not asking for all of my haircutting supplies and care products to be brought over with me.

“Mi-Milord? You… have been playing with your hair for a couple of minutes now…” Lilith says.

I look around and see that all of the goblins are now either arm wrestling, taking power naps, or still digging around for brain matter in their nostrils.

“Does this world have pineapples?” I ask Lilith.

“What is – what is a pineapple, Milord?”

This world is now better than Earth.